I had a pivotal moment two years after my divorce. I was finally ready to jump back into dating. My son, 18 at the time, said, "Mom, why would you want to date? You don't need a man. You're like a man and a woman!" It surprised me that he saw me that way. I guess that's how I had presented myself to my three kids; tough, able to "do it all" -- cook delicious meals, keep the house fairly clean, make all doctor and dentist appointments, make sure their teachers understood their out-of-the-box learning styles, run a small business and help their dad with his business. Like most women I know, I tried to be good at everything, maintaining the fa?ade of having it all together, when inside I was burying a lot of emotions.
To my kids, I was a rock. I almost never cried in front of them (or even in private). I soldiered on, and they saw that hard exterior. That's probably why my son thought I didn't need a man.
I wanted to set him straight. "I am not dating because I need a man. I am dating because I want a relationship with a man. There's a big difference. While I am very happy, I feel my life would be enhanced with the right relationship. I would like to share my love with a man. And don't worry, I will never introduce a man to you unless our relationship becomes serious."
That satisfied him for the time being. But now I needed to do some self-reflection. Did other people see me as that rock, independent and totally self-sufficient? While that tough exterior helped me get through the most challenging moments of my life, I no longer wanted to wear that guarded armor. I was ready to learn how to soften, to be open and vulnerable and let people in. I knew that was the key to having deeper, more intimate and real relationships with all the people in my life. It was especially important if I wanted to connect deeply with a man.
One of the most influential books I've read on the topic of vulnerability is "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead" by Bren? Brown. She writes about the contradictory ways in which women and men are expected to behave. Women are expected to be perfect, she writes. "If you're really good, perfection should be easy." We're expected to not "upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, but say what's on your mind." Or how about this one: "Don't make people uncomfortable, but be honest." "Don't be too emotional, but don't be too detached either." No wonder I had turned into a rock!
Men have a tough time, too. They are often raised to be strong, not to display signs of fear or vulnerability. How many women say they want a manly man who can be emotionally open, yet when a man lets down his guard, they see it as a weakness? They reject these men for not being manly enough.
Pretty confusing stuff. How do you let down your guard and find love in the midst of these tangled societal expectations? And how do you even define love?
I like Bren? Brown's definition of love:
"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them -- we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare."
I agree. Love is an inside job. It begins with self-compassion and self-love. When you let go of the need to be perfect, you stop expecting the opposite sex to be perfect. When you stop beating yourself up, you become more compassionate towards others. When you stop worrying about what other people think, the real you can emerge. And when you can connect deeply, authentically and vulnerably, you can have a crack at the real deal, a wonderful loving relationship.
I am done with being the rock. Inside, I am just as strong as I was, probably even stronger now, but I have softened and opened to exposing more of my true self. Even when it's scary...no, especially when it's scary. I have learned to be even more courageous, "daring greatly," and in the process, I am learning to date greatly.
How are you protecting yourself from being vulnerable? How is it affecting your relationships?
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Follow Sandy Weiner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@lastfirstdate1
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Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandy-weiner/relationship-advice-how-to-be-vulnerable_b_2433965.html
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